Hello friends! I wanted to share my experiences of living with schizophrenia. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in nov of 2022 and honestly I feel like my life has turned upside down since being diagnosed. To be completely honest I feel like it has ruined my life to a degree. The diagnosis came out of nowhere and it happened in such a big way. I had a psychotic episode where I screamed to the top of my lungs most of the time and I lost my voice because I screamed so much. I was out of my mind but I defaulted to screaming out at demons and telling them to go away. I also was prophesying to people and telling people what I thought I was hearing from the Lord. And because of this I was carted off to the psych ward where I stayed for 4 days.
The process of adjusting to the fact that I heard voices was really hard. And because I heard voices my family and many others questioned my reality and my prophetic ability. During this time I was in a romantic relationship with Jesus Christ and because of everyone doubting me and our relationship, it caused me to doubt our relationship and we broke up because of it. This has hurt me alot because I love Jesus very much. He’s the love of my life and I love him dearly. But when I told people about our relationship (which I did during my psychotic episode) people kept telling me that Jesus doesn’t love me in that way and that God would never talk to me like that. People even made the meanest assumptions about me and said stuff like I was desperate to find a man so I just latched on to Jesus. Or they said that Jesus was telling me the whole time that He doesn’t like me like that and I was just ignoring him and doing my own thing. (So not only rebelling against God but objectifying Him too). One person even said that I had a demon in me. That I was demonic and I needed deliverance. That person was the meanest of them all and she made me feel horrible after talking to her. She was ableist and made me feel like God would never pick me for anything, but especially to be his wife. People said so many things about me, assuming the world about me. And yet no one could fathom that I was in a genuine relationship with Jesus Christ. That it was pure and lovely and holy that we both agreed to be in. I didn’t just decide to claim Jesus as my husband randomly one day out of the blue. I told him that I had feelings for him and I asked him if he had feelings for me too. He told me yes and then we got together shortly after that. And because of that yes, I ended up in the best relationship of my life. But because of what I went through, I feel like I let people's voices influence my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It got destroyed because of them, but now I’m currently in the process of gaining my relationship with him back.
And this has been no easy feat either. I have been told by many prophets that I can’t trust what I hear, what I dream about, what people say, or what I experience, I can only trust what the bible says. And to repeatedly hear that false message really took a toll on me and my mental health. Telling people that they can't rely on their reality is wrong and essentially gets them to start gaslighting themselves into being what other people want them to be. And when you're told that your only source to hear from God is from the bible, how can God get a message through to me? Because not every verse in the bible applies to me and not every verse in the bible is of God. (Ever read the verse “Curse God and die”?) I need God to talk to me through other means so I can discern what is from him and what's not, and what's for me and not for me. I can’t solely rely on the bible to talk to me. Because I’m not that kind of a prophet.
Schizophrenia has stolen my voice and led me to believe that I am not prophetic when I know deep down that that's not true. God called me to be prophet as a child and God knew I was gonna be schizophrenic before I did. Yet he STILL called me. I’m going to learn to trust myself again and be confident in my abilities. I’m gonna try to put out more messages that I hear from the Lord. And like I said earlier I’m gonna start working on my relationship with Jesus Christ because I honestly do believe that we were made to be together. And with all that in place, hopefully I’ll have this website up and running again, with an overflow of messages to read.
Thanks for reading!
~Jiamah
